I Miss 90's
I miss those golden old days where in I don't care, I'm just happy, playing, goofing around, imagining things. You know , the simplest things that would make you smile because you're just having a simple life. I miss my cousins, I miss my uncles, and aunties, I miss my friends, I miss my classmates, I miss my best friends, I miss everything.
I don't know why I miss those things while I'm living in the present, its just hard that I can't move on to that, I'm still searching for it. Like listening to the songs I used to sing or I used to listen too during those golden old days. I don't know if its just hard to let go or, I forget how to live anymore now that I'm getting old.
It's hard to live here in America, yes, I have a family, but NOT MY OWN FAMILY, yes I almost have everything like going into places, beautiful places, eating lots of foods from the pricey restaurant, and yes going to America and being here is one of my dreams I had prayed for it almost 2 decades of my life to be here in America because I want to be with my mom. But, unfortunately, THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING, HAPPINESS??? FREEDOM??? I'd like to wake up in the morning without any arguments, waking up full of heartaches and fears makes me forget how to live.
That is why I can't move on to the younger version of me. Leaving the Philippines is the hardest way because I THOUGHT MY LIFE WILL START HERE, but, unfortunately again as soon as I get here its not the way it is.
My Life is just revolving around going to work, taking care of kids, taking care of oldies (RIP they both passed away) and when I woke up in the morning here's my mom same old drama, same old issues, I'm just tired that everyday she has to create an issue with drama on it to make us fight to make us argue, she's saying almost everything that would make you hate her, that would make you get mad at her and most especially she will push you through to make you answer back and when she finally succeeded... There!!! she will destroy you!!! she will always use that to destroy you!!! she's destroying me everyday like, she would say: GUSTO NIYO NA KO MAMATAY, GUSTO NIYO NA KO MAMATAY (referring to me and my older sister) if she only knew ARAW ARAW NIYA KO NILILIBING NG BUHAY. I want to go away, I want to live my own life, I want to got out of here most of the time I just want to passed out...no...passed away... because that is the only thing I can say that we have to be far apart, but you know what? I'm still here, I'm still alive because I kept on praying and God please be my strength. If only I could work for 10 hours that I'm not going to get sick, I will, just not to be with her most of the time because she's always blaming me that's how she is when I'm with her like when she got sick it was my fault. She's always blaming me or us (my sister) to what had happened to her, though, I'm not the one who choose that path because she's the one, the only one who made that decisions, and that decisions is the one that destroying us! its just hard really really hard... But in spite of that hardships, failures, hatreds, heartaches and fears I love my mom but, its just cause me too much pain and it was so tough. Good thing I know how to pray because I may be look like I don't care, like I look happy go lucky 15 years old but you wouldn't know, I can't count anymore how many times I 've asked God to get my life, I want to die... But I'm still here, alive and still here I can't go out and be free... I hope this too shall past.
I don't know why I miss those things while I'm living in the present, its just hard that I can't move on to that, I'm still searching for it. Like listening to the songs I used to sing or I used to listen too during those golden old days. I don't know if its just hard to let go or, I forget how to live anymore now that I'm getting old.
It's hard to live here in America, yes, I have a family, but NOT MY OWN FAMILY, yes I almost have everything like going into places, beautiful places, eating lots of foods from the pricey restaurant, and yes going to America and being here is one of my dreams I had prayed for it almost 2 decades of my life to be here in America because I want to be with my mom. But, unfortunately, THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING, HAPPINESS??? FREEDOM??? I'd like to wake up in the morning without any arguments, waking up full of heartaches and fears makes me forget how to live.
That is why I can't move on to the younger version of me. Leaving the Philippines is the hardest way because I THOUGHT MY LIFE WILL START HERE, but, unfortunately again as soon as I get here its not the way it is.
My Life is just revolving around going to work, taking care of kids, taking care of oldies (RIP they both passed away) and when I woke up in the morning here's my mom same old drama, same old issues, I'm just tired that everyday she has to create an issue with drama on it to make us fight to make us argue, she's saying almost everything that would make you hate her, that would make you get mad at her and most especially she will push you through to make you answer back and when she finally succeeded... There!!! she will destroy you!!! she will always use that to destroy you!!! she's destroying me everyday like, she would say: GUSTO NIYO NA KO MAMATAY, GUSTO NIYO NA KO MAMATAY (referring to me and my older sister) if she only knew ARAW ARAW NIYA KO NILILIBING NG BUHAY. I want to go away, I want to live my own life, I want to got out of here most of the time I just want to passed out...no...passed away... because that is the only thing I can say that we have to be far apart, but you know what? I'm still here, I'm still alive because I kept on praying and God please be my strength. If only I could work for 10 hours that I'm not going to get sick, I will, just not to be with her most of the time because she's always blaming me that's how she is when I'm with her like when she got sick it was my fault. She's always blaming me or us (my sister) to what had happened to her, though, I'm not the one who choose that path because she's the one, the only one who made that decisions, and that decisions is the one that destroying us! its just hard really really hard... But in spite of that hardships, failures, hatreds, heartaches and fears I love my mom but, its just cause me too much pain and it was so tough. Good thing I know how to pray because I may be look like I don't care, like I look happy go lucky 15 years old but you wouldn't know, I can't count anymore how many times I 've asked God to get my life, I want to die... But I'm still here, alive and still here I can't go out and be free... I hope this too shall past.
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