Promoting.

I'am Joan Carla Canlas, at work I'am Joan and at home I'm Carla. When you call me Joan you're just an acquaintance, colleagues or some old people in my life like, you're part of my kindergarten or Elementary classmates, friends, teachers. When you call me Carla I have known you within the family or neighbors, childhood friends, High school classmates, teachers. When I came here in America I had issues of my name Joan. Because in the Philippines its pronounce by Jo-an but here it pronounce like Jown or just how you pronounce Shawn just replace it with J and O. If they called me that, I have to look back well, yeah I'm kinda lost like where am I? Am I the one you're referring to? Am I the one you're calling? :) Until I just get used to it :) Call me for how you want to pronounce it whatever rocks your boat you're the boss. I was born May 20, 1985, Im 33 years old now its year 2019 but, unlike the ones with the same age as mine they, have their own family, successful, they have their own business, either they were married with kids or just a companions or planning to have kids, they have their own house, they have decent jobs or if they were single, they were travelling, they were happy they were lucky, unlike me... I'm still like in high school or college I live with my family because I have to live with them weather I like it or not (I supper not like it, I just figured out) Its hard when you're in your 30's and still you have them beside you, you can't move freely and you have to explain everything you do :( that's f****** hard welcome to my everyday torture physically and mentally. I'am so drained, and I don't know how can I still handle to survive this f***** life because everything was ruined and screwed up since I got here. I'am still in culture shock comparing to my 26 years in the Philippines and 8 years here I never grew up like this, it wasn't like this. My cousin was asking me I am 4 years at work why would I not be a supervisor, why don't I ask for someone got promoted how the make it?? I don't know for someone who runs a business or someone who owns it, someone who has like CEO or director of nursing would ever question me that when she already know how hard my situation is? Are you dumb? Or you just want to trigger me to lower my self esteem? or you're jut close minded to someone like me? staying with you, depending on you because I can't handle it? I don't have decent job it breaks my heart for someone I truly love made feel that. I am doing my best at work but I know my best is not enough because of my performance of being in a hurry to get home for my mom's dialysis. Once in a blue moon I as a favor if you can drop her of and pick her up you we're so mad it breaks my heart of every word you were saying its I felt like... "para kong umuutang ng sardinas sa sari sari store at mahaba ng listahan ng utang ko pinapagalitan at pinapahiya ako ng tindera kasi wala kong pambayad" that's how painful, intimidating and embarrassed I'am when I'am asking you a favor for my mom. I hope I can say that to you but I'am sick and tired of arguments, I'am exhausted, I choose silence and I choose this blogging stuffs to ease my pain. I know and I understand you're so done with my mom and I'am too, you know the difference between you having my mom as your mom and me having my mom as my mom? Is that you had a chance to see how much she loved you, you had a chance to see her kindness, you had a chance to see her heart. Your 3 kids? they had the chance to see their lola treat them nicely, love the took care of them, dropping of picking up to school? they got to see how their lola has a longer patience for them. But me how about me? she threw all her frustrations and hate in this world to me she even blame me for she screwed up for everything, she ruined everything and all the blame was on me. she didn't even taught me basic things like, reading, writing and learning alphabets I din't even learned that from hers and now this is the chance what she has done to me was unacceptable :( I did everything for her that she didn't do for me and most specially giving her love and patience. You were lucky to have her as your mom and you'd actually tell well, then too bad... :( It really broke my heart coming from you? not from you not you.. :( crying out loud... :(