I'm tired of feeling tired...I kinda hate the world today... And I don't want to participate :(

I'm Joan Carla Canlas I was here In America for 8 years. I remember when I first got here it was December 20, 2011. So, Today is March 13, 2019. 13? really??? I didn't notice it feels like March 7 anyways, moving on... I was born and raised in the Philippines with my Auntie (my mom's older sister) MY dad died a long long time ago :( if I wasn't mistaken he died when I was 7 years old. He died cardiac arrest, heart attack that's just what I new about well, he died September of 1992. I miss him so much I always wish he's still here for us. For 8 years that I've been here my 2011 to 2014 was so awful and epic episodes of my life I am full full of drama, negativity, depressions, anxious, anxiety, sadness everything name it like every darkest moments of your life. When I first got here I was 26 years old I have no idea how would I able to cope up with life here because I have to job in the Philipines I moved here for a career that is waiting for me. I would be an owner of the care homes but unfortunately it wasn't taken care of my mom due to... never mind I don't want to say it, but it got closed before I even got here, it was sued and it has a case :( so, yeah, when I came here I don't know it took a while to fix my papers before I got my first job here as an Administrative Assistant, but since I m kinda slow it didn't work out so, I need to leave and it took awhile again for me to have a job which is within the family. Well, name it I worked at Famous wok, food server, Wendy's cashier and food server at the same time and the worst feeling of being a caregiver it was degrading and it was very hard so you understand now why my life is like hell when I first got here. Like I couldn't be hired on any job applications I make, when they hire me it wouldn't work out and I have to leave. I experienced that, I felt like nobody loves me because I have no brain, like my mom and my cousin usually say. FAST FORWARD... Febraury 25, 2015 I was hired at Fry's marketplace as a cashier until now I'm working there as a cashier its been 4 years I tried to have double job at Hobby Lobby, but, it was for seasonal only good for just 1 month :( so I have to leave. Well, loyalty :) at fry's. Its hard because its retail. and weekends you have to work well, I love it though I don't want to stay at home doing nothing and my mom would just pull the trigger to make me hate myself and make me hate the world and all the people. I wanted to quit frys and find another decent job but my mom needs me and since I am 4 years at fry's they are the ones who can give me a huge favor to select my own schedule. Sometimes I feel jealous of my mom because when she is in a productive age she can work until what time she wants to earn more money but me limited time, limited money I have to pay for everything and its not exact its supper short I'm so poor :( I'm fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. Its ultimate first world problem I get it. I often feel detached while in a room full of my favorite people. Its such a beautiful place but feeling out of place. LIVING THE DREAM I felt absolutely nothing during what should be the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation has led me to this so, what do you think, what pulled the trigger? Its selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a as a whole human you shared your memories with and not just my final act. I love you and I always will :)